


Under My Skin

by EvaMarth



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Blood and Injury, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:55:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25793224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvaMarth/pseuds/EvaMarth
Summary: Yosuke's shadow kicks him in the gut, and it's too much this time. He spirals down.
Relationships: Hanamura Yosuke/Tatsumi Kanji
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	Under My Skin

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I've been having a pretty rough time recently and so that I wouldn't do this.
> 
> TW - Self harm, intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, panic attack
> 
> If any of those may upset you I suggest not reading this.

Yosuke quickly tried to turn his headphones up, not that they'd go any higher, but momentarily it drowned out his thoughts; only for them to come rushing back in.

They'd all be better off without him. He knew it, everyone knew it.

He shouldn't have stepped in. He stuck his nose where it didn't belong again and, like usual, he fucked something up. That's what his brain told him, at least.

That he ruined everything, that he made everything worse, that he just needed to stop. He slammed his head against the wall, curling in on himself.

"Shut up.. SHUT UP!" He shouted, tears slipping down his face.

He only realized it when he was trying to wipe his eyes that his room door had creaked open. Slowly, almost agonizingly so.

Even with his headphones on full blast, his brain could still repeat the sound of his door opening. The sound of Kanji's voice, asking if he was okay like he had done all those weeks ago.

But now, he was too trapped in his own awful thoughts to even remember why his boyfriend had checked up on him that time, he could only remember that he couldn't keep his shit together and he'd come to make sure he was okay. He wanted to have just held it in, like he'd done since… Since Saki, but he couldn't, not this time.

His heart rate picked up, faster than he could remember it ever going before. He was shaky. His hands, which he’d only just realized were practically yanking his hair out, shook more and more as he started to sweat. His breaths came in struggles, he felt like he was being smothered, unable to breathe properly.

He was overcome with dizziness, he felt like he might hurl right then and there as he covered his mouth, tears coming faster now. He could practically feel himself being stabbed in the heart as he curled up even tighter on his floor.

Nothing in his room seemed to make a proper shape as his eyes darted around, until he spotted… Himself? It wasn’t him, exactly, but just by looking at it’s face for a moment he knew what it was.

“God, you’re pathetic.” His Shadow said, staring down at him in disgust as Yosuke tried to calm down enough to convince himself that it wasn’t real.

“S..Stop..” His words were forced out as he exhaled, making them nearly get lost as he spoke. “You’re n-not real..!” The shadow scoffed at him in response.

“We both know that’s not true, dipshit,” The shadow seemed annoyed with Yosuke. “You really thought you’d be enough for him, huh? You REALLY thought he wouldn’t get sick of you the moment you opened your fucking mouth? How dumb are you?”

Yosuke just tilted his head down, whimpering as he tried to dispute what his shadow said, but there was no point. He couldn’t speak at that point. It was just gross sobs mixed in with shaky, labored breathing.

“Can’t even speak, huh? Go figure. The one time something’s actually your business you won’t even bother looking in the direction of it.” His shadow scowled at him again.

And Yosuke knew he was right. Any other time, he’d have been butting in or getting involved in stuff that really wasn’t his place. But, now that it was his own issues, he wanted to be the last person to be there.

He keeps going deeper and deeper, there’s no point in struggling, it’d only postpone the inevitable.

Then those thoughts come back and there’s nothing he can do to avoid them as his right hand latches onto his opposing wrist, gripping it hard and scratching . Maybe if he just ended it, then he’d be able to actually help.

He’d stop bothering people that way, his shadow wouldn’t exist, therefore he couldn’t say or think anything bad about the people around him. They’d be better off without him.

He starts digging his nails into his skin harder, it starts to burn as he feels his tears go faster down his face. It’s a bad idea, he knows it is. It’s summer, there’s no way he could just wear long sleeves and avoid any questioning about his arm.

Not that he cares about that, fingernails finally breaking the skin, smearing blood on his arm as he keeps scratching.

That same annoying, obnoxious laugh rings out, forcing him to look up.

“You fucking moron! God, I can’t believe you’re this goddamn stupid!” His shadow throws his arms out for dramatic effect, which makes Yosuke realize there’s blood on it’s arm. He gulps before looking at his own arm. It’s covered in smeared blood, and there’s more coming from the wound.

“How have they not left you already? All you do is drag them down. First the team, and when they got tired of you, you desperately clung to Kanji.” The shadow folds it’s arms over it’s chest. “All of this, just because you wanna play the hero.”

There’s something inside of him that tells him to keep going, and he does. By the end of it all, he’s leaning against the wall, trying not to pass out from how dizzy he is. Both of his arms are nearly soaked in blood.

No, they are soaked at this point.

His shadow’s gone, has been for quite a few minutes. He’s by himself on the floor of his room, his entire body feels heavy and numb. His headphones are dangling around his neck, having come off sometime during it all.

It barely registers in his head that there’s footsteps until he hears someone yell, then he passes out.

\--

When Yosuke finally comes to, he’s being blinded by bright, pure white lights. He tries to sit up before groaning in pain, flopping his head against the pillow it was resting on moments before.

After allowing his eyes to adjust to the light, he recognizes where he is. The hospital. By the smell alone he could have figured it out.

He can’t remember why he’s here. It’s all a blur, something about entering his room, his shadow was there? Maybe? He isn’t sure.

Sighing, he pulls his arm up to run it through his hair. Something scratches against his forehead, it’s an odd texture. He pulls his arm away and opens his eyes. Bandages.

Fuck.

Pulling up his other arm, there’s an IV in the middle of his arm, it’s just above bandages on that arm too. He carefully pokes at the bandages, hissing as the wounds sting.

It all comes rushing back, his shadow’s words, those awful feelings, and then.. What he did. Then he remembers the scream, it’s faint in his mind, he has no clue who it was, but he’s thankful they even found him.

Just as he goes to put his arms back on the bed the door to his room swings open. He looks up immediately, jumping slightly.

The figure in the door locks eyes with him, Yosuke’s heart practically stops beating as he stares at the other person before his expression drops. He tries apologizing before the figure rushes over, pulling him into an all too tight hug.

Yosuke starts crying as he hugs the other, his hands gripping the other’s shirt hard. Nearly hard enough to rip the fabric.

“Mr. Tatsu… mi…” A nurse rushes in moments later, words dying as she enters the room. She sighs, the arm she previously had extended out falls to her side. “I’ll let you two have your privacy.” She says, exiting the room and closing the door behind her.

Kanji leans back, cupping Yosuke’s cheeks gently, the aforementioned boy looks away. “I’m sorry…”

Immediately, Kanji shakes his head. “Hey, look at me..” Yosuke does. “Don’t… Don’t apologize, don’t fucking apologize…” He sighs heavily, his hands shaking against Yosuke’s cheeks as he shakes his head. “I nearly lost you…”

Carefully moving Yosuke’s head the tiniest bit closer, Kanji leans forward and kisses the spot where Yosuke’s hair parts on his forehead. “I’m just.. I’m so fucking glad you’re okay..” He carefully sets his forehead against Yosuke’s, hands slipping down from his cheeks to firmly interlock their fingers.

“I shoulda been there, I shoulda fucking been there.” He sniffles loudly. “If I had been there I coulda-” “No..” The blonde moves back, staring confusedly at Yosuke.

“You wouldn’t have been able to stop me. I would have just ended up hurting you too.” It was the brunette’s turn to sniffle. Kanji sighs, shaking his head. “Nothing you could do, ever, could come close to hurting me.”

Yosuke just nods, rubbing his eyes as Kanji grabs a chair from a few feet away, pulling it right next to the bed.

“I ain’t leavin’ til you’re better, ‘k?” He looks up at Yosuke, to which he nods again.

**Author's Note:**

> 1,473 words 8,096 characters
> 
> Thank you for reading !
> 
> I didn't know how to end this so I threw Kanji in there because YosuKan is a big comfort ship for me and I wanted a slightly happier ending
> 
> As I've said before, if you're having suicidal thoughts please seek proper help, I can promise you that people love and care for you and are willing to help.


End file.
